Wednesday, 8 August 2012

The ttc green monster

A really close friend on mine who I know has been trying to have a baby for a little while tells us she is pregnant on my birthday. What fabulous news this is... so how does a normal person react?

I cry tear of happiness, congratulate them on the miracle they have created, run out and buy her cute little baby clothes, spend the rest of the day glowing with happiness for them and texting her non stop to see how she is feeling!

Nope, not me because I have now become the evil green eyed ttc monster! I burst into tears, rant and rave about how insensitive it was to tell us on my birthday of all days, wallow in my own self pity, chant 'why not us' over and over, hate my stupid body for being so broken, get so angry at the world because it's 'just not fair' - then I get on the phone and put on my super happy voice and congratulate them from the bottom of my heart (that's the only normal part that's left).

I don't know if it's just me or are babies or pregnant women everywhere you look?
Walking down the street to work - honestly, is the whole world pregnant?
Whatever you do do not go into the shops in the middle of the day on a weekday - it's mother group everywhere you look!
Sitting on the train - will you look at that, of the 4 people in this carriage, I'm the only one not pregnant.
And then there's Facebook, oh god damn you Facebook - I actually had to ban myself from it for a few months because if it wasn't an 'announcement' of the honeymoon baby, or the I can't believe it happened so quickly baby, its the running commentary of how long to go until the baby is born, and worse after the baby is born photo's of 'the cutest baby in the whole wide world' and then the posts - I slept 4 hours last night, 8 full hours, I was up 4 times last night, my baby has gas, oh my baby is sleeping and so cute, laying here between husband and baby knowing how perfect my life is... Please just kill me now!

I honestly feel this feeling of hate at the pit of my stomach for every pregnant person out there, and every person with their newborn and then I hate myself so much for feeling that way because everyone deserves this happiness and wonder when I turned into this evil bitch...

Why you've gotta love infertility?

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Where does it all start?

I've been wondering where exactly does this wonderful (can't you just feel the sarcasm dripping on that word) journey of infertility actually start?

Is it when you are 13 years old and go on the pill because you have such awful period pain - did this cause my infertility?
Is it because you were so careless with your pill taking over the years and often skipped periods - was this the cause?
Is it because I was so careful not to get pregnant that I never allowed myself a break from the pill in the whole 16 years I was on it - surely this is it?
Is it because I used super tampons too early - mum did tell me to only use them after I had a baby?
Is it because I waited for Mr Right to go off the pill - maybe?
Is it hereditary - mum hates hearing me say this, but is it?
Is it because I am too old - 30 certainly doesn't feel too old?
Is it just that I am unlucky - ?
Am I too unhealthy - ?
Too skinny - ?
Do I not deserve to be a mother because my whole life I didn't want kids - ?
Is everything else in my life too good so I don't deserve this - ?
Do/did I drink too much - ?
Party too hard - ?
Eat too much processed food - ?
Too much sugar - ?
Too much fat - ?
Not be nice enough enough to my friends or family?
Kill that innocent mosquito one day 10 years ago?
Aliens abducted me and decided I shouldn't reproduce - Ok I know I'm going a little mad?

But realistically, this list is just never ending... These are things I have been asking myself on a daily basis over the last 2 years of my battle with infertility, and you know what each day I am CERTAIN that it's one of them, or perhaps something I haven't even listed here?

Or maybe I just can't come to grips with the fact that there is no reason, and unfortunately I just don't work properly.